I have been doing drugs since my first year of high school. All kinds of drugs. I now well understand that I suffered from chronic depression and anxiety problems, that was exacerbated by being the kid that was beat up every day throughout all of middle school. Those years were just awful for me. So, I turned to drugs. And it worked well, I finally made some friends (and did drugs with them), and I stopped getting beat up every day. But I still felt like crap all the time… my depression was not cured.
So that progressed for a few years, and eventually I discovered the wonders of opiate painkillers. From the first time I took one of these I was in love. All my problems were gone. I actually enjoyed doing things. I felt good, like a normal human being. Without a second thought I became fully addicted to these drugs. Hydrocodone. Unfortunately, hydrocodone is kind of limited in its effectiveness, it has a ceiling, and after only about 6 months I was solely taking it in dangerous dosages (due to the acetaminophen) not to feel ill.
Then I finally discovered a source of Heroin. I was excited to try it. I already was addicted to the pills, and honestly at that point in my life just didn’t really care about anything else. I was, of course, instantly hooked. That went on for about a year and a half, being addicted to Heroin. I stole from my parents to make it happen. Honestly though, don’t misunderstand — I probably would have found Heroin one way or another, with or without the pills.
So then one day I found myself having to go overseas to Europe for a few weeks. Of course I found myself in severe withdrawals. I was put on Suboxone and Klonopin. Quite possibly the worst thing that could ever have happened to me. Though, it is hard to say, looking back at that time, what would have happened. I was not ready for sobriety. What other options, I don’t know. I needed to go away somewhere, really. For a long time. A nice place where I could be treated for all my underlying issues as well as my drug problems, where I had at least some freedom and was with other good people having similar issues. But is there such a place? I don’t know. Perhaps there was no solution. Perhaps I am only able to write this today due to an extreme amount of luck.
I can say, that about 2 weeks after I was put on these drugs and the Heroin withdrawals were gone, I was high as a kite. Higher than Heroin had made me in a long time. Unfortunately it faded fast, and I was chasing that high again.
After some missteps including using Heroin several times, I managed a few years of sobriety (almost 3 I think), except for the legal drugs. While on these drugs, I was numb, dumb, did not make any kind of real progress towards treating the roots of my addiction, enjoyed the 30 minute buzz I got every day from taking my meds, and that was it. I thought about using drugs again all the time. My life revolved around when I was going to take my meds.
I was married a few years but that didn’t work out. I started using Heroin again before the marriage ended. And when it ended, things completely fell apart. I was worse than I had ever been. Using massive amounts of Heroin. Injecting cocaine — never did that before. I truly shudder thinking back to that point in my life. I’m lucky to be alive. All the while having Suboxone to fall back on, prevent any kind of severe withdrawal issue I would have had to inevitably face, being forced to go through withdrawals and get clean, which I definitely should have been and it might have worked.
I then wound up with a woman who was also a Heroin addict, and spent a few years in the deepest pits of it. I don’t want to talk about it. It was not a fun time. And I was on Suboxone the whole time.
After falling into a really dark time of anxiety and depression, I had a brief fling with someone else and got out of that rut long enough to I decide I had enough. I wanted to stop. I did not want to be numbed by drugs the rest of my life. But unbeknownst to me, the shackles of chemical dependency I had put on myself were almost insurmountable.
I decided to start with the Suboxone, and one day, about 10 years after I was put on it, I just stopped taking it. This was absolutely the right way for me to do it. I don’t think I would have made it through a taper, and I think it is of limited value anyway — buprenorphine has a weird dose-response curve and is effective at the tiniest of dosages. The first two weeks were actually not that bad. I remember being extremely cold as the worst symptom. But things just kept getting worse, and worse. I could barely think at all. Severe cognitive issues, and I had so little energy I could barely walk. For months. And months. And months. I called that year at the time the year of hell. Unfortunately I didn’t know the true hell was still in store. I had spiked up my Klonopin use dealing withdrawals, which just made things worse, and was taking a massive dosage of that stuff by the end of that year. I’m talking 6+ times the normal therapeutic dosage. And this was prescribed to me.
I should say that I met a wonderful woman in the middle of this against all odds, we were married 3 years ago. I don’t know if I could have done it without her. She stuck with me through all of this. We did know each other from before, but we reconnected during this. I wanted to give up many times, but I thought, I am in it this far… I can’t go back. I need to make it. I didn’t give myself the choice, I had to do this. Thankfully I also had the support of my parents, paying my bills, or I would have not made it. I was not able to work. I was barely able to take care of myself on a basic level. So with this support, I was able to focus entirely on just getting through it.
So anyway, one day as the Suboxone withdrawals were mostly gone, I tried to quit the Klonopin cold-turkey. Ha ha ha. Oh my god. I think I might literally have brain damage from that. I made it two weeks. The entire two weeks is like having a severe panic attack, while tripping on acid, and being plugged into an electrical socket. I actually tried twice, once early on into Suboxone withdrawals, but I didn’t make it very long. The second time after the two weeks, I woke up after my nightly 15 minutes of sleep and really was positive I was about to die, I could not move for about 10 minutes. I gave in and got back on. I am actually quite lucky I didn’t die, I very well could have, as the withdrawals are in fact life threatening, especially from such a high dosage cold-turkey. I had full on delirium tremens I think.
So I tried to taper off. I had to do the most ridiculous things to make it bearable, it turned into a science experiment, trying to measure the most miniscule of drops in dose. As I finally made it to the bottom over about a 1 year period, that was true hell. I cannot describe just how awful benzodiazepine withdrawal is. These drugs should not be legal, period, except in extreme medical need such as for treating seizures or during surgery. Anyone who has gone through 1 day of what I went through would say the same. I should add I quit smoking during this as my girlfriend (at the time) wanted to quit, and it was barely a blip in this whole ordeal.
I did eventually make it off successfully. I wish I could say the withdrawals ended. They didn’t. They went on. And on. And on. Coming and going, with little rhyme or reason, at least a year. I was honestly at this point quite far from the person I was when I decided to stop using drugs. I was an anxious mess.
But I did not go back. I was finally clean.
I wish I could say this story has a truly happy ending. I have a lot of problems, issues that occurred when I came off Klonopin that never truly went away. I finally under pressure from my wife decided to give therapy another try, I was completely honest and got walloped with 4 different diagnoses, including chronic depression (what got me one drugs in the first place), generalized anxiety disorder (much worse than before), obsessive compulsive disorder (never had that one before), and post-traumatic stress disorder (from withdrawal from the legally prescribed drugs!) Life is quite honestly a struggle. But, I know what the alternative would be, to be addicted to drugs, and that is much worse. I am facing my problems. I am trying very hard to make it work, and doing all of my homework, and putting all the effort in, and I am hopefully that I will be able to finally break out of a lot of this.
I can definitely say at this point that when I think back to Heroin, I shudder. I was disgusting. I feel so ashamed. I think of it as living in hell, while I did describe the atrociousness of the withdrawals I went through, I didn’t describe the atrociousness of being a Heroin addict, and believe me, it is life in hell. Only now that I am truly off of all the drugs, including the prescription drugs, for a long period of time, that I can see clearly what a hell it was and make the long-term decision, without any difficulty, to never go back to that life again. I am very lucky to be alive.
So, today, I am almost 7 years clean of Heroin, roughly the same from Suboxone, and almost 5 years clean from benzodiazepines. I honestly can’t remember the exact dates anymore, but that is pretty close. I have a full time job I am successful in. I own a home. I am responsible. I am married, have 2 dogs and 3 cats. It was only when I decided to stop taking prescription drugs that I was able to experience true sobriety and stop abusing Heroin. These drugs did not help me stay clean — only the opposite. After a few years, I was back even worse than ever, the drugs only kept me from true recovery. If you look at the statistics, any given attempt at sobriety has a very low success rate. But, if you are able to make it a long time, say a year, your chances skyrocket. That is the real key to success, long term sobriety allowing your brain to heal. Suboxone is putting a band aid on a serious problem, and putting your brain into a 24/7 state of being flooded with opioids, making the brain adaptions (aka addiction) much worse. Now, after all these years, I do not have the slightest of cravings. It is gone, like a bad dream… but unfortunately it was no dream.